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Jezebel or Aphrodite: you decide

Emphatically, this isn’t the first time I’ve written about my metaphorical love life. Sometimes, I wonder if it's normal for someone like me—my age, my background—to think about guys as much as I do. Maybe my intensity leans toward the masculine side. If I had been born a guy, I probably would’ve been gay, simply because, well... I really like men.

The first time I felt something for a boy, I was in LKG. (Yeah, I know it sounds unbelievable—but it's true.) Technically, it wasn’t a "crush" in the romantic sense—I was too young to even understand what love was—but it was definitely an attraction. He was six years older than me, and that admiration lasted six years, until he finally left school.

My fascination with boys pretty much faded after I transferred to a convent school. Our only "crushes" then were on movie stars and sportsmen. I spent hours daydreaming about Akshay Kumar (still do, to be honest). But everything changed when I moved to a co-ed school after 10th grade.

There, it wasn’t just one guy—I had a whole list. I crushed on nearly every other guy in my batch, but being labeled the "geeky fatso" didn't exactly boost my confidence to tell any of them how I felt. A fake social networking profile gave me brief access to a few of them, but things turned messy once they figured out it was fake. Eventually, I confessed the whole story to one guy—and he never told anyone. Ever. That’s when I met him.

Tall. Dark. Handsome. Let’s just call him TDH.

There was something about TDH that made me forget all the others—

  1. The chocolate boy of my class: fair, charming, sexy.

  2. The sarcastic, confident Scorpio.

  3. The arrogant one who’s now an NRI.
    ...and many more (see, I’m doing it again!).

The truth is, I don’t know what kind of guy I want to end up with—that’s probably why I keep exploring. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic with a streak of restlessness. I stick around guys a lot, but maybe it’s more out of curiosity than anything else.

TDH, on the other hand, has remained in my life all through college. I’m almost done with my B.Tech now, and he’s still there—still my friend. I've dated other guys in college, but somehow it always ended the same: disappointment. Because deep down, I was trying to find him in someone else.

He never left me for who I used to be. And he hasn’t fallen for who I am now. His feelings haven’t changed—just stayed steady, like a quiet constant in the background. At times, it’s disappointing. I’ve worked hard to improve myself, to grow, to be someone worth noticing. Yet he never even blinks—just stays my friend. Always.

To strangers, TDH might seem like a Casanova—dating a new girl every six months. But to his friends, he’s that goofy guy who talks during movies he's already seen, watches them again just to hang out, and carries the heartbreak of a 9-year-long love story that never worked out. He hides it behind a smile and plays the role of the ‘cool guy’ like it’s second nature.

None of that mattered—until I realized I wasn’t willing to settle for anything less than him.

It’s been almost five years, and I still find ways to stay in touch—even if it’s just a late-night text. Around 11:30 PM, once everyone at home is asleep, I’ll message him hoping for a reply. Sometimes he does—usually around 5 AM when he’s going to bed and I’m getting up for yoga (watching Shilpa Shetty videos and wishing for that zero figure).

When he responds, he responds like a real friend. Other times, he ignores the message or replies hours later with something generic. But whenever I’m on the edge—when life feels too overwhelming—my phone rings. And it’s him. Maybe asking for a silly favor, maybe just sharing that he's off chilling in Goa with his friends, or making plans to catch up. I never burden him with my problems, but he always seems to know when something's wrong. I can tell by how hard he tries to lift my mood, even without saying it out loud.

Now, as I stand on the edge of a new chapter, stepping into an unknown world, I’m scared. And the only person who makes me feel grounded is TDH. No matter where I go, no matter what I face—I know he’ll be there, like a guardian, whether he realizes it or not.

Maybe one day, I’ll find the courage to tell him how much he means to me. But until then, all I can say is:

“Still trying to find another guy like him
But can find none, ‘cause TDH is only one.”

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